Dealing the Best Way I Know How

D doesn't understand. My parents don't understand. And at some point, not even I understand. BUT I AM DEALING THE BEST WAY I KNOW HOW!

There are definitely some days when I don't know which way is up. Or if I will sincerely make it through the day. Today was one of those. I think I had a panic attack. Or at least had trouble breathing as I stressed about money and school for hours. My parents called to talk to me. And I tried to explain that I just cannot come up with all the money for tuition, books, my internship, insurance, and supplies. But I seemed to not be getting anywhere with them.

But I tried to pull it together before D got back. This is not something he needs to deal with. Especially as he is preparing for this weekend. But he rolled in. All happy and ready to relax after a hard day at work. My eyes were blood shot, I was still struggling to catch my breath, and I was sitting in the corner, in a ball.

These are the hard times. The times in my life when I am not sure why I do this. Or why in the world I let people do this to me. Or if in the end, is it all worth it? I don't know. I really don't. But there is something about D, that makes even these bad things, somewhat bearable. In one quick swoop, he collected me into his arms. And I never felt safer.

So maybe not everything is fixed. But I do feel better. D has a way of doing that. Money problems will plague me until I either finish school or leave it. But at the end of the day, there is more to life than money, school, and worries.

XOXO

♥D

Dealing

This just seems to be one of those weeks. And I don't even know where to begin. D left for DC earlier today and was not happy when he called me a while ago. His meeting was postponed until next week. They didn't let him know until he was ready to land. The man is not happy. He is actually considering not going next week. WHAT???

I am in the midst of trying to decide what to do for the next 4 months or so. I have no clue what I want to do. If it was really up to me, well I would just pack up the books and spend my time with D. Seriously, I could easily get used to making him breakfast every morning, keeping him on schedule, and traveling across the country with him.

But it is not up to me. And school is breathing down my back. More like my parents are breathing down my back. Or my dad is. So I need to get it together. I really don't have the money to do it right now. But that is never a good enough excuse for my dad. And I am trying to do it on my own without accumulating debt. My parents, I know, want to help. But they have a business and are doing their own thing. Anyway, I am 26 years old and need to do this on my own. Without leaning on people. So I won't ask them.

D is almost ready to shove the money down my throat. But like I told him, that is HIS MONEY. We are not married. And I wouldn't feel right asking or even letting him pay for my education. The house stuff, yeah he can pay for it. Or the traveling. But not things like school, crafts, or my love of makeup. Those are things that I need to deal with.

So I AM DEALING. I don't know if I am dealing well. But I am dealing. The best way I know how. By cleaning. And cleaning everything around me. D's nieces cannot believe how much I clean. Or how much I have been cooking. But them being around, it helps keep my mind off of things that I cannot control!

XOXO

♥D

Why?

Why is ♥D so stubborn. I know. People keep telling me. That is why I love her. She is independent, strong, and stubborn. But seriously speaking, the woman is stubborn as hell!

Right now, she needs money. For school nonetheless. It isn't for shopping. It is for her education. But she won't let me help her. WTF! Why do I bust my ass making money if I can't help the people I love? I have enough to support a small country.

♥D is the only person that I know, that would rather struggle than to take help. Even do without so that she knows, that she is the one, that accomplished whatever the hell she is doing. But sometimes, this woman pisses me off. I just wish she would let me help her to lighten the load every once in a while. It's not like she doesn't bust her ass around here. Or take good care of me. I just wish she would let me take care of her sometimes. D