Hopeful

Today Miss ♥D has a doctor's appointment. We've learned to hold our breath, when it comes to these appointments. Especially lately. It's tough to think about anything else going wrong. I go into these things, trying to be as supportive and strong, as I possibly can. Being her rock. Inside, I feel completely sick. Out of control.

This is the only thing that I can't control, in life. I can't pay someone, so that Miss ♥D is feeling better. You can't buy good health. As much as I'd like to. You just can't. I've learned that the hard way. That's a tough pill to swallow.

Early this morning, I got a kiss from Miss ♥D. She had to work. 2 hours away. It made for an early morning for her. But even with that, I try to make it easier on her. Knowing that she had a doctor's appointment, and that we're leaving for NY later, I got a car service to drive her. With that sweet kiss, I began to silently pray.

Any other day, I would have gone back to sleep. My work day, starting hours later. But I couldn't sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about the woman I love. And what she must be going through. Knowing that at any moment, as she calls it, "The Big C" can get totally out of control. Things that she so neatly organizes, can blow up.

I sat there. With our dogs. Just thinking. I know that she's "The One" for me. I've always known this. From the day I first met her. I just can't imagine life without her. I really can't. Over the last 3 years, I've really learned to love. I need Miss ♥D, like one needs air or water, to live.

I try not to let my mind go there. But sometimes I wonder, what if... It's a horrible thing to imagine. It literally makes me sick to my stomach. I have to remind myself to stay hopeful. To remember that she's beaten it thus far. I've also learned to not count on certain things. That the fact that Miss ♥D's health doesn't get worse, well that's a damn good thing. Bad news, is when things get worse. It may sound odd to people when I say, I don't want her health to be worse off, just the same as last time. A bonus would be better. Complete health, that's a miracle. But if she's not worse, that's good too.

Today, I've tried to work. I've been thinking about all sorts of things. But mostly, that I want to be there, for the woman I love. I don't care about the rest. This work, it will get done. If not today, there's tomorrow. Traveling to NY, well, we'll get there, when we get there. I'm not worried about that. I'm only worried about Miss ♥D. My word for today is, HOPEFUL. D