I've put this particular conversation off for a while. Who wants to talk to their older sister about these matters? Not me. I rarely ever talked to my sister, about girls in general. As teens, she'd try and bribe me. It didn't work. Why would I talk to her? I needed to avoid all that embarrassment. At all costs!
As adults, we've gotten closer. We've been through a hell of a lot of shit together. Losing our Dad. Her relationships. Failed marriages. Children. My failed relationships. My career. Our lives. All of it. With all this crap, I've gotten more comfortable. Felt like I could talk about more stuff with her. Especially when we began working together. I really felt like she had my back.
When ♥D and I started dating, we did it quietly. Neither of us wanted extra pressure. From anyone. We already had a lot going against us. Our physical distance. She lived in SW. I lived in SE. We both had highly demanding jobs. We just wanted this to be quiet. To be our thing.
Soon, people could tell something was different. I was freakin' happy 24/7. It had absolutely nothing to do with my new job adventures. It was this new woman. I knew immediately that she had me. That this was it. We were meant for one another. I just needed a way to make things easier. To make them work for us. To figure out how to at least get us in the same city.
My sister came to me one day, and wanted to know what was up. I was playing dumb. I wasn't so sure if I wanted her to know. Completely out of character for me. She is the one person I share almost everything with. As she grilled me, and our cousin loved it, she knew something was up. My cousin finally gave me up. I think he was a little too happy to have something over me.
There was never anyone that was so happy. My sister was happy. She knew I had found someone, that really made me happy. Not someone that would be a "play thing." But a real partner for me. She was just happy. Even happy that we were choosing to keep this quiet. Later, we'd both agree, it has been the single best thing. The one thing that has allowed for Miss ♥D and I to have this relationship. This real relationship. That's so strong.
Time past. Miss ♥D and my family got close. My sister really liked her. Liked that she was a good and strong woman. A woman with dreams and goals of her own. But an "old school" type. You know, takes care of the home, cooks, cleans, puts family first, loves with everything she's got. My whole family was just happy.
And not much more was said. My family just opened their arms. Let her in. Welcomed and loved her. A few times, someone would bring something up. Of the intimate matter. Were we being safe? Was I making sure to "cover up?" The usual talk, when people think they need to protect you. But we could figure ways out of it. Of not having to completely answer. Let everything out. My cousin would joke with me. But it was all light. Nothing too deep, or serious.
Then came my sister. This week. My newlywed sister. Who wanted to know. Know everything. Do we do it? Are we using protection? Will we have kids before we get married? What's going on there? Dude, I was like a damn deer in the headlights. What the hell?
Miss ♥D and I rarely talk to people about this. But I'm sure people wonder. Hell, I'll admit it here. I've dating some women...let's just say...some that I'd never take home to meet my momma or grandma. Let alone my sister or nieces. You just don't do that. I was young. Stupid. Had the world by the damn tail. Thought I knew it all. But what those models, bunnies, and other women didn't have...was everything I was looking for in a woman. Everything that Miss ♥D is, and has.
The answer I gave my sister was no. We don't. Miss ♥D has certain morals, values, and beliefs. I love her more than life itself. And I respect these things. I'd be lying if I said that the thought hasn't crossed my mind. A few billion times. Hell, I'm still a red blooded American man. Sometimes, the damn wrong head is doing the thinking. How can it not? She's a beautiful, sensual woman. But I respect my girlfriend and her beliefs.
The funny thing is, this was probably one of our very first conversations. I don't even know how it came about. But we met, when Miss ♥D was performing in the City of Sin. She was in a Burlesque group. And man, did she look amazing! I paid a guy, to make sure that I'd get a chance to meet her.
Yes, 2 incredibly shy kids. You're probably wondering who made the first move. Well, to tell the truth. Neither of us. I paid a guy to meet Miss ♥D. I met her. So incredibly shy. At the time she was dating someone. And was completely different off stage. Onstage, she was confident. Almost demanding your attention. She had a very sensual way of singing. A fun energy about her, when she danced.
But when we talked, she was quiet. Shy. I recognized that. I'm the same way. She blushed when we shook hands. And was not at all comfortable, when her group took a picture with my buddies and I. But she was sweet. Genuine. Real. Super friendly. Big heart. You could tell that right away. Just the way she was so kind. Even to her bodyguard. Super sweet. Offering him a drink, or a snack. A chance to relax before the next show. And a party later.
I knew that I had met my match, when I met Miss ♥D. There was just something about her. I hoped that I'd get a chance. I knew that she'd love with all her heart. Fill me with that love. I could just imagine what life with her would be like. Full of passion and chemistry. A bit of mystery. Because there was just something in her eye, a sparkle. I just knew that I wanted a chance. And I got that chance. Months later. We were both single. And I took the chance.
I had the knowledge, that this incredible woman was a virgin. And would remain so, until she was married. I knew that. And I more than accepted it. I welcomed it. I respected it. Because Miss ♥D is too special, to just write off.
Was I a sexual being before? Am I a red blooded American man? Of course I was. Did I think this would be tough? Yes. I knew it would be. But I don't think, that I really thought it through. Thought how would I handle it? The cuddling time, that she so dearly enjoys. The make out sessions, that remind you of being a teenager. And then realizing, it has to stop. Sharing a bed with someone, that you just want to devour, and must hold back. The things that flash through your mind. The things you want to do, enjoy, and feel with the woman that you love the most. But I know that I have to wait. Keep all this under control. Control my feelings and desires. My wants. The things that my body wants most.
It's tough as hell. But I remind myself, Miss ♥D is worth it. And worth so much more. She is. God knows, she is! I find myself wanting her more and more each day. And I remind myself, that's only natural. It's tough. Tough as hell. But you do what you have to do, for love.
My sister literally fell out of her chair, during our conversation this week. I busted out laughing. Who would have thought? She immediately called Miss ♥D. That look that crossed her face, told it all. Then I got that hug and "I'm proud of you little brother." It felt good. I know I'm doing the right thing here.
I know, this has made Miss ♥D's and I relationship stronger. I don't care what people think, or say. Because this is our relationship. We do what's best for the 2 of us. Not what other people think is best. That makes me feel good. I've got Miss ♥D's back, and she's got mine. Is there anything else that we need?
Believe me, I do miss that. I miss the sex. I crave that, with the woman I love. To be that intimate. That close to her. To hear her call my name...just like that. To hold me, as ecstasy takes over. Like I'm the only thing that can keep her alive. To know, that I'm the one that makes her feel
just that way. To feel her body crave and yearn for my body, the way it just happens. At just the right time. To feel us connected as one. Sex is different when you're in love. When you are older. And appreciate it. The intimate matters of it. Not just the physicality.
For now, I'll take all the making out, cuddling, and sleeping so close, that I swear you couldn't fit a piece of paper between us. Because it's what the love of my life needs. I'll give her anything and everything that she needs. Even if it means some ice cold showers, from time to time, for me.
But honestly, watching her battle the Big C, like she does, how can I not sacrifice a little bit? She literally fights for her life. How can I be pissed about something like this? To me, it's all worth it. One day, we'll be there. OK, so we might not be reachable for about 6 months. ;-) But you'll know why. It just might push me into early retirement. Because I won't be able to focus on anything else. But the time will come. When our bodies finally give in to all our desires. When we cling to each other for life. Like our entire existence depends on one another. When we become one body, soul, and spirit. And it will be amazing for both of us. D
